Alexandra Carter | Stop Settling & Start Asking for More
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Many of us struggle to say “no” and set healthy boundaries. In this episode, Alexandra teaches us why you should see negotiation as a conversation rather than an argument or a struggle, and why pitching yourself is an act of service to others.
Key Takeaways From This Episode:
Common negotiation mistakes
The right mindset for negotiation
Tips on pitching yourself
Negotiating with family
Disclaimer: All of the information and views shared on the Live Greatly podcast are purely the opinions of the authors, and they are not medical advice or treatment recommendations. The contents of this podcast are intended for informational and educational purposes only. Always seek the guidance of your physician or qualified health professional for any recommendations specific to you or for any questions regarding your specific health, your sleep patterns, changes to diet and exercise, or any medical conditions.
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
About Alexandra Carter
Alex is a Clinical Professor of Law and Director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School. She has spent the last eleven years helping thousands of people negotiate better, build relationships and reach their goals.
She is a world-renowned negotiation trainer for groups and individuals from all over the world—including the United Nations, Fortune 100 companies, the U.S. government, foreign governments, not-for-profit organizations, universities, and private law firms. Through the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School, Alex and her students provide free conflict resolution services and training to many people and organizations who otherwise would not be able to afford it.
Connect with Alexandra
Website: www.alexcarterasks.com
Instagram: @alexandrabcarter
Linkedin: Alexandra Carter
If you are struggling with feeling overworked or overwhelmed, access the Top 10 Stress Management Tips for the Overworked free right now.
Kristel Bauer, the Founder of Live Greatly, is on a mission to help people awaken to their ultimate potential. She is a wellness expert, Integrative Medicine Fellow, Keynote Speaker, Physician Assistant, & Reiki Master with the goal of empowering others to live their best lives!
Follow her on:
Instagram: @livegreatly_co
Clubhouse: @livegreatly
LinkedIn: Kristel Bauer
Youtube: Live Greatly, Kristel Bauer
To learn more about Live Greatly's transformative online courses for personal development and self-improvement, to discuss collaborations and partnerships, or to book Kristel as a speaker or consultant, click here.
Episode Transcript:
Alex:
I can't tell you how many notes I get every day from people who tell me that something I wrote kept them afloat that week or something I wrote enabled them to go in and ask for that promotion for themselves.
Kristel: Guest Introduction
If you're someone who's uncomfortable with negotiation, or you have a hard time with asking for more, you are going to gain a ton of value from today's episode with Alex Carter.
Alex is an incredible woman. She's a negotiation expert, and she's going to share with you some really incredible tips for you to go into any negotiation confidently. Now, negotiations don't just occur in business. They're also in your home life. So she's going to be giving you some tips and how to communicate effectively with your kids, with your significant other and family members.
You're also going to find out something you're probably doing wrong when you're negotiating, especially at home. And this is something that really has helped me. And I've implemented since chatting with Alex. So you really want to stay tuned until the end because we're going to do a wellness lightning round, you're going to gain a ton of value from that.
And Alex has such an incredible background. She is clinical professor of law and director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia law school. She's worked with the United Nations fortune 500 companies, The US government, and she also is Wall Street journal bestseller, um, bestselling author of Ask for more 10 questions to negotiate anything.
So I'm so excited. Let's jump into it and welcome Alex Carter to the show.
So Alex, I'm so excited to talk with you today. Thanks for being my guest.
Alex:
Thanks for doing this Kristel. It's lovely to be with you and to connect this way after connecting on social media for so long.
Kristel:
I know I was telling you before I hit the record button, that you are just rocking it on social.
I'm so impressed with all the things that you're doing. So Bravo to you. And, you know, I wanted to talk about a lot of things, but just for the listener, I want them to get a feel in your own words of what you've currently been working on. And what's important to you.
Alex:
Yeah. Well, I guess let's start with, what's important to me because one thing I've learned that everything I'm working on has to flow from what is important to me.
And what's important to me, Kristel, is that I'm on a mission to help every person on this earth advocate for themselves. Ask for more with clarity and confidence. And in particular, I'm thinking about so many people that might have felt left out of the conversation on negotiation. I know that 10 years ago I would look at what was out there.
And it really seemed to be a lot of older gentlemen, most of whom had some kind of military or law enforcement experience and they were out there saying, here's how you can negotiate just like me. And I remember looking and thinking that's not gonna work for me as a professional woman and also a mom and wife.
And I'd love to find something that would really resonate for me in my business, but also that I could use at home when I was talking to my kids or my loved ones. And so I'm on a mission really, to help folks who might've been left out of that conversation or thought there's no one out there for me. I want you to know that you can be a great negotiator and feel really confident doing it.
Kristel:
That’s so important. And I think specifically for women. Women can struggle with this. And it can be hard sometimes for women specifically to say no, and they have healthy boundaries, but also to ask for more. And this is something that I personally have struggled with. So I'm really excited to get your insights. One of the first things I would love to hear is what do you think is one thing that a lot of people do wrong when they're negotiating?
Alex:
Yeah. They don't know. Where it starts. Most people think that negotiation starts the moment they sit down with someone else and start talking. So Kristel, if I'm asking you for a promotion or I'm, I want you to be my client, I'm an entrepreneur. They think it starts from the moment we get on the zoom together.
And it doesn't. It starts way before that at home with you. And this goes back to Kristel. I think most people see negotiation as kind of a haggling discussion between two people over money. And it's really not. Negotiation is just a conversation and it's a chance to steer relationships and the most important relationship of your life to steer.Is the one you have with yourself.
And so in particular, I want to show people that with some quick questions that you can ask yourself, and you should ask yourself before sitting down with anyone, it gives you all the clarity and confidence you need. All of a sudden, you know what your priorities are.
What your needs are maybe even your emotions or what you're feeling around the negotiation and the problems that you're trying to solve in your business. And when you have that clarity, it becomes so much easier than to advocate for yourself at the table and to make those choices in the moment. So I would say learning how to ask yourself those great questions first is what most people skip.
And if they did it, they would see incredible results.
Kristel:
That's great. One of the things that I really liked that you said there was that it's just a conversation because that takes away the power. I think that sometimes you give the fear associated with negotiation or that word negotiation. It reminds me of like an argument or like a struggle, but when you put it, so simply like it's just a conversation.
I found myself being like, ah, that's a good way to look at it. Took the pressure off. And I think part of the problem is going into these conversations is the mindset going into it. So what you're saying is it starts with you, how can people get into an optimal mindset to be in a position to really own their power and, you know, know their value going into these potentially more challenging negotiations and conversations.
Alex:
Yeah, absolutely. So in ask for more Kristel, the first half of the book is what I call the mirror. And fortunately you don't need an actual mirror to do this. You don't need to look at yourself that way, but it is metaphorically taking a look in the mirror by asking yourself a few great questions. And I'll give you a couple of examples.
One of the questions might be. What's the problem I'm trying to solve. If I'm approaching you Kristel and I'm an entrepreneur, and maybe you're a client that I'm looking to sign thinking in advance. What's the problem here I want to solve might give me insight into how I want to negotiate. Maybe working with you is going to solve a problem in my business because I need a great testimonial and working with you is going to help me generate that for my business.
Maybe the problem I'm trying to solve is that I'm trying to break into a particular industry and you're connected within that industry. And so I'm thinking about that as I go into that negotiation, when you're focused on the problems that you're trying to solve through that
It gives you that clarity. And let me give you one more question, Kristel, because you said something earlier about women, sometimes struggling with confidence to negotiate. And so I wonder if any of your listeners are this person. I'm wondering if you're this person who, if I were to ask you to negotiate for someone else, for me, for a friend, for a colleague, a spouse, a loved one.
You would be incredibly fearless. You would be the junkyard dog you would go out and you would make sure that that other person got everything they needed. But then I ask you to do it for yourself. And you hesitate. Okay. So even if you're that person, I've got a question that can help you. And the question is how have I handled this successfully in the past?
Do you know Kristel that if you go into a conversation, let's just call it that you go into a conversation having just thought about and written down a prior success, you are more likely to negotiate better. It's because just asking the question and writing it down, puts your brain back in that more powerful, more creative, more flexible state.
That's going to help you achieve more in that negotiation. But the other awesome thing is if you write that down, let's say Kristel, you're that person. And you write down everything that makes you a successful advocate for somebody else. Let's say it's your kids. And you write down everything you do when you negotiate for your kids to be successful.
You can then look at that list and say, you know what, all of these strategies I'm going to apply to myself. And so it's a data generator then to not just remind you that you've had success before, but to remind you of how you did it so that you can map that onto whatever it is that you're going to do next.
Kristel:
Wow. I love that in the way that you put that too is so spot on for so many people. And I saw myself in there too, and I've gotten much better with this, but I did struggle with that for a period of time. And I think part of that was growing up. I didn't want to show off or. People may be taught that talking too much about yourself is showing off or, you know, and you don't want to shine too bright.
So I, that, for me, when I switched from health care to having my own business, I got to get out of that mindset because when you have your own company, you gotta be your own biggest advocate. You really have to talk yourself up. You have to promote yourself. I'm curious what tips you have for people who are, who want to pitch themselves and how can they do it in a way that is empowering and also hopefully can lead to their desired outcome.
Alex:
Oh, I love this question, Kristel. We did not plan this in advance, but I'm so glad because this really gets to the heart of my mission. And I want people to know that you can do good by doing well, that when you acquire influence, when you shine bright, when you offer what you have, you create opportunities to serve so many more people.
You know, Kristel, the title of my book actually comes from my very first salary negotiation. I walked in. And when does this ever happen? I got an offer that was better than what I was expecting. And this is, you know, I thought in that moment I actually had a crisis because I thought, well, that means like I should probably just take it, but I had just enough on the ball to say, okay, thank you. I'm going to run my numbers. I'll come back to you.
I called a senior woman and she gave me the advice that would change my entire life. She said, Alex, You have to get back in there and ask for more because when you teach someone how to value you, you teach him how to value all of us. So if you're not going to go in there and do it for yourself, I want you to do it for the woman coming after you do it for the sisterhood.
And that Kristel was the moment. First of all, Asked for More, became the title of my book. But what it taught me is that pitching myself, that claiming my expertise, asking for the raise, asking for the promotion is not selfish. It is in fact an act of service. And what I would say to you is. Anything that you are looking to do, whether you are pitching yourself to a client, whether you are going for a promotion or whether you are talking about your accomplishments on social media, all share the same root and the root of that is.
Service to your audience. All of it. If I go in and pitch myself for work, I've spent time thinking about you, what your problems are, what your concerns are, what your needs are and how I'm going to serve those. If I go in and I asked for a promotion, I'm going in, and I'm saying, when I'm in this position, here's everything that the company is going to benefit. Here are all the ways that I will be able to serve this company uniquely from this position.
And when I am out on social media, Kristel, and here, let me get real for a second. Okay. It's not comfortable. I just want to say that upfront up until a couple of years ago, I was just a professor doing my thing. People knew me in my circle. I had a great reputation in my circle and the thought of being out there on social, you know what I'm saying?
Putting pictures of myself, quotes that I've been working on, or even God forbid talking about personal, private difficult moments that I've been experiencing made me want to run away in the other direction. And the reason I continue to do it is that with every post I make. I show people what is possible and I make it okay for them to also have both triumphs and struggles.
I can't tell you how many notes I get every day from people who tell me that something I wrote kept them afloat that week or something I wrote enabled them to go in and ask for that promotion for themselves. And so truly to the people listening, I want you to know. Everyone has a unique message on this planet.
There are people out there waiting for a message that only you can deliver. And I don't want you to make them wait any longer. This is your moment. So get out, offer yourself and it's going to create the opportunity for you to serve.
Kristel:
That is such a powerful message. And I really resonate with that in the beginning.
When I started posting on social, I didn't have an Instagram account. I didn't have LinkedIn account or any of this a little over a year ago. I had nothing and I didn't post, I posted once in a while on Facebook for family and friends, but it was a total game changer of okay posting pictures of yourself and being comfortable with it and doing it regularly and doing videos and all of that.
And in the beginning, I remember. Just being nervous every time I would post it, like, is this okay? Is this Ooh. And now it's like, I don't care anymore. I'm like uncomfortable with it. But there was definitely that, that level of just breaking free of those, that discomfort, or putting yourself out there and letting people see that side of me and overcoming the fear of judgment, but they totally, totally relate.
And then, like I said earlier, you are doing a fantastic job with that. I want to dive a little bit. Into a different area about relationships. So we've been talking about, you know, business and pitching and asking for more promotions and all that, which is fantastic. But what about in relationships in marriage?
Or if you're talking with your kids, like how can we negotiate better in those types of situations? I think for a lot of individuals, those types of conversations can get really emotional and I'm sure that other negotiations can as well. I think specifically when you are talking with family members can add that extra layer.
So I would love to hear any insights you have on that.
Alex:
Oh, yeah, for sure. And Kristel, the question has never been more relevant because I don't know about for you, but my home life and my work life have just squished together over the last year. The difference between home and office is like a 20 foot walk down the hall.
And sometimes in fact, my daughter kind of barges in, in the middle of a webinar. And so they're all right there together. So here's what I would say about that. Home is a challenge because not only can it be more emotional, but let me again be super candid. A lot of us are trying so hard to get through the day.
And especially if you are balancing home with any kind of work entrepreneur, you're at a corporation. By the end of the day, I am exhausted. And so sometimes I just want to be totally candid. It can feel like my family gets the leftovers and I have to almost psych myself up to have the energy, to bring my best self to those conversations.
So the first thing I want to say actually about negotiating in the home is negotiating for the space and time that you need. To be able to equip yourself to be a parent and a partner. Sometimes Kristel, at the end of my meetings, I strap on my sneakers and I go downstairs and my daughter will say, oh mom, are you going to go commute now?
And I say, yup, mommy's commuting. And what that means is that mom is going out to walk for 20 minutes and that's my commute time. And when I come back. I'm ready to be a mom, because when you think about it, we used to have these interstitial spaces between between meetings or between home and work. It is indispensable to first build in that time because any negotiation tips I give you are not going to work.If you are not resourced.
So you must take care of yourself first is the message that I want to give people. And then what I would say about these conversations. Yeah. It starts in the same place. You know, Kristel, I talked about asking yourself great questions. The same is true of asking other people. And oftentimes folks will, there'll be able to ask good questions at work, but then they get home and we kind of resort to not really listening, not asking great questions in particular, one question that I try never to ask at home or anywhere is why, because “Why” is a question that puts people on the defensive, hypothetically speaking, why are you on your computer so much to the kid or to the husband? Why do you get the office with the door? Okay. Both of those are questions that I asked at various points during the pandemic and they were less successful. So I want you to know that even the conflict resolution experts have a struggle buzz moments sometimes.
So instead. I like to ask questions, starting with what I call my two magic words. Tell me. Okay, so I'm going to give you two examples. Office space. In the beginning of the pandemic, I was like, actually, most couples, Kristel, where you have a male, female partnership in the home. If there's one home office, it usually belongs to the man.
The man gets the home office with the door and the woman is left kind of floating maybe at the kitchen table, squatting here and there. And that was us at the beginning of the pandemic. And so initially I did in a moment of frustration, asked my husband, why do you have the office with the door? And I picked a really great time to do it Kristel.
It was like 9:00 AM on a Wednesday, you know, when everybody's got maximum patients not successful. So I regrouped. And on a Sunday night, I said, let's sit down and I'd love for you to tell me your schedule for the week. And we opened up our calendars and that's when we saw that he had a bunch of document review and solo work.
And I had interviews, podcasts, keynotes, and class. We looked at those two things and he said, you know what? It looks like for this week, you should be in the office with the door. And here I am permanently Kristel. I now redid the entire office. I have the office with the door, my husband relocated to the attic.
We have some great space for him and all as well. Asking a question. The right question at the right time is so pivotal. Same thing with my daughter. I had a moment of frustration over all of the Chromebook use during the pandemic. And a lot of us were dealing with this and instead of slamming the Chromebook shut again, I actually said to her, I sat down and I said, okay, tell mom about the screen time.
Like, what does this do for you? And I assumed it was just a way to get out of homework. It was not Kristel. She actually said to me, this is the only way that I can keep in touch with my friends, because she was playing roadblocks. She was playing a game where she could interact with her friends that made me realize, you know, what.
I could schedule an outdoor play date. Let me go ahead and feed that need in a way that doesn't involve a screen. So I would say the basics of negotiating in the home are open questions and lots and lots of listening. And that's when you're going to have the most successful conversations.
Kristel:
Alex, that was incredible.
Wow. I loved the examples that you gave there. I think most of us can relate to that. And our old dining room is now my office. So my husband redid it for me. It has doors, but I took over his office for a period of time when I was doing a lot of interviewing and then we had to make the switch. But yeah, I love the, “tell me” that's really, really wonderful.
So some of the biggest takeaways that I've had so far from our conversation, or in the beginning, when you shared about, uh, switching that perspective from negotiation to it's just a conversation that was a big, wow. I love that. And then this insight you just gave about the, tell me I'm going to use that for my kids, for sure.
So this has been wonderful. Any insights about your book for the listeners they're really resonating and they want more. Where can they get it? I'm sure it's available all over the place, but if you could just give a little bit of insight there, that would be great.
Alex:
Yeah, absolutely. It is all over the place.
Wherever books are sold online, but I have a website Kristel and have a lot of free resources on that website. You can find places to buy, Ask for More, but you can also get my newsletter and in particular, A workbook that gives you some of those mirror questions to ask yourself so that you can start to have better conversations.
And the website is Alexcarterasks.com. So would love to connect with you there and find ways to serve you and your audience. So anyone can hit me up there. I'm also on LinkedIn and Instagram. And in fact, on clubhouse now, a few platforms out there as well.
Kristel:
I love you in clubhouse, you know, so if you are resonating with Alex, she shares tons of gems on these different platforms and I'm following you on Instagram and on LinkedIn.
And I've jumped in into some of your rooms. You've given me great advice on clubhouse. So if you want to learn more about this topic, I highly recommend you follow her on all of those platforms. And then for the video portion, I'm just going to show your book. You sent me your book and it's amazing. I was reading it on a spring break vacation.
I still have to finish it, but I absolutely love it. So, this has been amazing. I we're going to go towards we're heading towards the end now. So I want to jump into the wellness lightning round.
Alex:
Okay.
Kristel:
I just want you to tell me, well, first thing that comes to your mind, it doesn't have to be, I don't want you to spend a long time thinking about it.
Alex:
Okay.
Kristel:
Okay. Are you ready?
Alex:
I’m ready. I’m stretching exercise. Okay ready for this test.
Kristel:
Okay. So I want to know what book you recommend, obviously, besides your book, which you wrote, which is incredible.
Alex:
Yes. I highly recommend. And for those of you who are on video, you can see it behind me. A wonderful book called The Memo.
What women of color need to know is to secure their seat at the table. By my friend, Minda Harts, Minda is amazing and she gives firsthand experience for women of color and the special challenges they face in the workplace. But also great advice for white women like us who want to be better allies and success partners, and really help ask for more, not just for ourselves, but also for all women in the workplace.
Kristel:
Incredible. Okay. Second question. What's your top self-care tip that works for you.
Alex:
Oh my gosh sleep. I have to tell you that for me, when I am sleeping, everything else falls into place. If mama gets a bad night of sleep, you should just depart, okay. Get out of my area and come back the following day. So that would be is the cornerstone of everything else, whether it's eating well or being able to have the energy to serve people, it's sleep. Number one.
Kristel:
Yep. So very important. All right. Last question, based on what you know now, what advice would you give to yourself from 10 years ago?
Alex:
Wow. I would tell myself from 10 years ago, “Only do what only you can do”. This is a motto that actually a student of mine shared with me a few years ago. And the way I think about that, Kristel is.
What is my unique mission out there in the world, in a world full of noise. When I could always be looking at what someone else is doing or where they are or what their numbers are, what is it that only I can do? And it resonates particularly because I was supposed to write a textbook. That's what I was supposed to do as a law professor.
But I remembered that motto and I thought, is that what only I can do. No, lots of law professors can write textbooks, but I think what only I can do is write a book that's useful to people outside the legal academy that everyday people can pick up and it will make their lives just a little bit better and leaning into what only I can do.
My unique mission is what brings me so much happiness and fulfillment every day. And that's what I wish for everyone else.
Kristel:
That's incredible. And I'm so thankful you wrote this book because it definitely has given me some great insights and I know, and has helped a lot of people. So Alex, this has been an absolute pleasure.
I loved our conversation. Thank you so much for coming on today.
Alex:
Kristel, this has been awesome any time and it's been a privilege to be here.
Kristel:
Thank you so much.