Matt Higgins | Live Your Life To The Fullest
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In this episode, Matt Higgins shares his story of struggles and success, from imposter syndrome to surviving cancer.
Key Takeaways From This Episode:
Values that you can learn from Matt’s childhood
Ways to overcome imposter syndrome
Importance of having satisfaction with your relationships
Benefits of doing meditation
Setting boundaries for yourself as a leader to avoid workplace burnout
Impacts of traveling to finding your balance and happiness
Creating space between your thoughts to stay confident
Having a feeling of being grateful despite the biggest challenges in life
Disclaimer: All of the information and views shared on the Live Greatly podcast are purely the opinions of the authors, and they are not medical advice or treatment recommendations. The contents of this podcast are intended for informational and educational purposes only. Always seek the guidance of your physician or qualified health professional for any recommendations specific to you or for any questions regarding your specific health, your sleep patterns, changes to diet and exercise, or any medical conditions.
About Matt Higgins:
Matt Higgins is a noted serial entrepreneur and growth equity investor as cofounder and CEO of private investment firm RSE Ventures. He is also an Executive Fellow at the Harvard Business School, where he co-teaches the course “Moving Beyond Direct-to-Consumer;” was a Guest Shark on ABC’s four-time Emmy-Award-winning TV show Shark Tank seasons 10-11; and most recently became chairman and CEO of Omnichannel Acquisition Corp (NYSE: OCA.U). Higgins is also co-owner of VaynerMedia, founded by digital marketing expert Gary Vaynerchuk
Higgins began his career in public service as a journalist before becoming the youngest mayoral press secretary in New York City at 26, where he managed the global media response to the September 11th terrorist attacks. In 2019, Higgins received the Ellis Island Medal of Honor – joining the ranks of seven former U.S. presidents, Nobel Prize winners and others who have made it their mission to share their knowledge, compassion and generosity with those less fortunate.
Connect With Matt:
LinkedIn: Matt Higgins
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Kristel Bauer, the Founder of Live Greatly, is on a mission to help people awaken to their ultimate potential. She is a wellness expert, Integrative Medicine Fellow, Keynote Speaker, Physician Assistant, & Reiki Master with the goal of empowering others to live their best lives!
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Episode Transcript:
Matt (Teaser):
Sometimes it feels good to just make yourself not so important, make everything about your context, not so important and be humbled a little bit and relieve the stress that it's all on your shoulders and everything is so important. And that's how I feel when I'm traveling.
Kristel:
I'm so excited about today's guest.
We have Matt Higgins here today. You may have seen Matt as a guest shark on ABC's shark tank. I love that show. He's doing so many incredible things that he's really had to overcome a lot of different challenges throughout his childhood and throughout his life. And he's really paved his way for great success.
He's going to be sharing his insights into dealing with imposter syndrome. If you've ever been in that situation where you felt like you didn't just quite belong, you're going to gain a ton of value from today’s episode.
Matt is a co-founder and CEO of private investment from RSE ventures. He's a well-known entrepreneur. He’s also an executive fellow at Harvard business school. He's co-owner of VaynerMedia founded by Gary Vaynerchuk. He's really doing so many different things and has a ton of value to offer in today's show.
We're going to be talking about how to have your inner dialogue supports you. And you're also going to find out what Damon John said to Matt on shark tank that helped boost his confidence.
So let's jump right into it and welcome Matt to the show.
Matt:
Thanks for having me. I love talking about wellness. I need more of it.
Kristel:
Right. Don't we all, you know, I learned a lot about you through watching your shark tank episode and they had that whole intro about your story and your backstory. And I was doing a little bit of research before our conversation, and I was really blown away by your story.
And I am hoping that you can share a little bit about how your upbringing has impacted you and help get to where you are today because you, you know, you had challenges that you had to overcome and you are so extremely successful. So I would love to know a little bit more about how your, you know, your childhood has impacted you now as an adult.
Matt:
Yeah. Or we can start there. Uh, it's the honest answer is good and bad. I mean, everybody brings some baggage with them and, uh, I always believe I know it's cliche, but every crisis does create opportunities. And for me, it definitely opened up an aperture to a parallel universe, but to go back in time, uh, under extreme poverty, uh, out of mom who struggled with disabilities, her entire life, she's incredibly smart, but grew up she was, um, she was a high school dropout doing basically, uh, cleaning homes for elderly, senior citizens and around 38 years old, Uh, she got divorced and decided to go get her GED and go to college.
And so my upbringing was sort of watching this very strong, you know, single mom raising four rotten boys, trying to figure out how to climb her way out of poverty.
Uh, while at the same time, progressively succumbing to just a whole bunch of different ailments and having no healthcare. Having no help. So I just, there's a lot of good and bad lessons. Some of them are very raw and real. There's no Calvary coming. You know, it's just the fact that there are no happy endings guaranteed, and you have to write your own.
And, but at the same time, you know, the dice has never cast. And so probably when I was around seventh grade and I was watching things get progressively worse as maybe 13 years old, I was working in McDonald's scraping gum from underneath the table. And I had an epiphany very young that. Why don't I do on purpose, what my mother did by accident, which is go get my GED as soon as humanly possible, because there was a loophole back then, which has since been closed, that if you took your GED and we did well enough, you can go to college right away.
And I would scan the penny saver back, ends a little free flyers that people would hand out. And now we know it's college students, $8 or $9. And I was making 3.75$ at McDonald's. And I was thinking if I drop out of high school, get to college right away, I could make $9. I mean, that was the simple epiphany.
And then I had to balance that with. That's like a pretty big price to pay, to get out of here quickly. And I learned a bunch of things too. When you live a life of shame, no one really knows what you're going through. So the advice you get from people it's not contextualized. So the advice that I would get from adults was that's crazy, you're gonna throw your life away.
Meanwhile, I was doing everything I could to conceal what was going on in hall and including wearing guess jeans and just trying to look like I had money because I was embarrassed. And so that was the most important decision I made in my life because it taught me that it's okay to go out on the bleeding edge.
And to do what's right for your circumstances. And don't just Excel conventional wisdom. I dropped out of high school at 16, took the GED, uh, SATs enrolled in Queens College when I was 16. And by the time I went to my prom and I was president of the Bay team. And so, and I remember seeing my teachers terror, like, okay, you know, when from that look of pity to look of, uh, respect.
And so I always tell that story one, because I like that story. And I want people to connect with me on that story now because I'm on shark tank. Because it matters to me that people feel that they can climb out of their circumstances. Right?
And I don't want to be, it's funny when you arrive at a certain place in life and you leave your past behind, but you don't really, because we're all a product of our upbringing.
You have to almost work to bring it forward. But I care so much more. I'm much more interested in me from where I came then from where I went, if that makes sense. So I just like to share it with everybody.
Kristel:
Yeah. That's a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing that. I, something you said resonated with me and I want to dig a little deeper and I can't remember your exact words.
But it was like, you never really leave that behind or where you come from. And I'm curious, like if you've dealt with kind of this imposter syndrome being where you're, where you're at and having that upbringing, and I know like for me personally, it's interesting. It's my journey. The past a year is kind of surreal.
And I was sitting back yesterday and I was talking with my husband about this actually. And he was like, wow, you just, you know, this just happened. You know, this just happened. I'm going to have my first, like my TV appearance, like all this stuff. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, it doesn't quite feel real for me.
And I'm still kind of like, huh, it's interesting. Cause I felt like when that stuff happened that I had wanted for so long or it was going to be this like big moment, I don't know. And I'm still like, I still feel like the same person. So it's just interesting. So I'm curious for you because we've had such a dramatic shift.
If that's ever the case for you, if you're ever, if it doesn't quite feel real to you, you know?
Matt:
Yeah. I mean a couple of points, number one, yes, Imposter syndrome. It's actually one of the great disappointments of life. Cause you'd think you'd arrive, you'd cross some certain threshold of, of the universe and then you'd leave it behind.
And you would feel that I am here because I belong here. Right.
That's something I always say to myself, that's the only validation. The universe needs. And then the reality is that the only validation university will ever give you, no one is ever going to tell you you've been credentialized. You know, you belong, unfortunately, it's up to you to deal with that.
Which why I talk a lot about how you'd have to train the voice in your head to be your greatest ally rather than your enemy, because you realize a lot of that. Imposter syndrome is completely self-generated no one's fortunately, and you may be picking up signals, which are true if somebody's judging you or wishing you poorly, but mostly it's self-inflicted so the answer is yes, I have to deal with it all the time.
The second part of your point. Yeah. Do I feel like, Oh, I've made it I've arrived at like never, and I've given up trying to achieve that. What I've shifted instead. Is to define what I need more narrowly, the more successful I become.
Actually, which I realized, I think is the secret to happiness. I'm never going to feel like the next thing is the thing that finally I pulled it off, whether it was going on shark tank and now at Harvard business school, it doesn't do it.
It doesn't fill that sort of void of striving. Uh, but what does it do? It is to realize, what do I really need to feel like this was a life well lived? It's like, I need my children and I need to do right by them. First and foremost, I have, my partner was amazing. And my best friend, you know, I have a roof over my head.
I have autonomy. That's kinda what I need. And then the rest is gravy. And then you're free to just strive. Cause I find joy in life is in the striving. And you know, I think that applies to a lot of people. Most people, whatever striving is for you, which is why you experienced melancholy when you finished the marathon, you know, and you've trained for four months, you finished shark tank and you're, I remember the feeling I had after shark tank.
Like. That was among the most stressful things I've done. And now I'm sad because I can't conceptualize what might be harder than this. Right. And then next thing, you know, a year later I'm teaching at Harvard business school, I was like, this is definitely stressful. So I have stopped seeking that sense of arrival and decided to work on feeling like I arrived already.
While maintaining this intense desire to strive and fight and, you know, and just be defined because I don't want to lose my edge either because that's also really boring, like, right. I don't want to feel content, watch Netflix on the couch all day either.
Kristel:
Naaah. Naaahh. But you know, something, some of the things you're saying I've been thinking about recently and there's this neuroscientist Dr. Huberman, and he.
He talks about this people who are really high achievers and how, um, you know, you have these huge goals for yourself, but if you're waiting for the goal to be for your satisfaction, you're not going to be happy. So it's finding that joy in the journey, which it sounds like you're doing.
And along the way, what happens is they're getting this dopamine release and, you know, dopamine is like that, that feel good chemical you get, when you get a, like on your posts or, you know, when, when you, when you are kind of working towards that goal or when you hit that goal. But then the other thing you're talking about as far as the satisfaction you have with your family and with your relationships, you know, that's more of that gratitude, which is like a serotonin type neurotransmitter, which is so important.
So I think when people are prone to entrepreneurs, particularly if you're like setting these high goals and you don't spend enough time getting that serotonin going, you're, it's going to be a Rocky ride. You're going to have like highs and lows and it, and it can be really hard to feel fulfilled, but it sounds like you've got, you've got a down.
Matt:
No, I got the language down. Just understand, like I am, I consume endless amounts of information about diet, meditation, brain chemistry,McDilla everything. It doesn't mean I implement it. I always want to like a disclaimer on every one of my posts. Please be advised. This is purely aspirational. I'm saying it right now because there's an underlying hypocrisy I'm trying like you are.Right.
So I don't want to pretend that. I think I have a lot of the answers. I think the consolation prize of trauma is pattern recognition and a pretty good understanding of things because you're so hyper aroused when you're going through stress. And I went through a lot of stress as a kid did up until I was 26 when my mom died, that being said, so I think I theoretically have a lot of the answers.
But every day is a work in progress talking about it as cathartic, because I think it makes a gift of our experiences. That's probably the number one thing that gets to me is like, just wanting to make sure I manifest, uh, truthfully about that. It's an ongoing struggle. I think in a lot of times, social, even in now that we're, you know, we fetishize vulnerability, right?
And so now we all know vulnerabilities. What's expected of us and to projected, but even the vulnerability is packaged in a nice arc. I went through something bad. I hit the bad thing. I overcame the bad thing. I am now better and look at my life and then anybody else watch? I was like, Oh, mine, didn't move along that progression. I find my regressing. And that's why I really feel like it's important to talk about the regressions as opposed to a finished product, because I think that's very alienating to people. Cause it's not how most of us relate to the world. I'm regressing constantly making two steps back one step forward and every year in my life.
So to answer your question. I think I have a good sense of what, you know, what it takes. I still pursued dopamine. I think that I love the way you just put it. I think there's two ways to deal with, with an amygdala. That's flashing like a cantaloupe. One is dopamine one, serotonin and dopamine is just papering over the problem.
And serotonin is resetting yourself and a large way to get there is through meditative practice. Another thing I aspire to do, but I don't do often enough.
Kristel:
I relate, you know, so. I've been meditating every day, not. And when I say everyday doesn't mean it's like a great meditation. It might just be like a couple of minutes, but I've been doing it every day for the past, like four and a half years, you know, since times cancer diagnosis really like right before that, actually it was interesting is when I started to get more interested in that mind body connection.
And I just, in the beginning before I started working again, I had a lot more time and I would have longer meditation practices and what's tricky for me now is like, I know. I know the benefits of it. And I know it really helps me cause my brain is very busy. I'm doing a lot of things. I'm like, I got a lot of goals, I'm juggling a lot of things.
So it helps me calm that down. But now that my business has kind of taking off, it's actually harder for me, which is frustrating, like you said, you know? Cause I, I, um, talk about this all the time. I've been trained in it, but we'd like you said, it's, it doesn't make it any easier when you're a real person, a human being going through, you know, the ups and downs of life.
But I found now, if I meditate like with a meditative walk or like incorporating some movement that is helpful for me right now. Cause I just have so much going on that like sitting for an extended period. It's hard.
Matt:
No, I find, I find that the greatest gift that I can give myself that I deny myself as meditation because you're right, As, as you become more frenetic and you got more things going on the cost of doing it as high, it is a high cost. I mean, I think it's something that we should talk about. Anybody who's highly intentional with their time. We have like, what's 20 minutes a day. I'm like 20 minutes. Like, and this is not somebody who watches TV.
You know, I don't, I, I never watched TV unless some with my wife watching a movie. So the idea that I'm going to give 20 minutes yet when I do it, It's the greatest gift. Like I emerged from, from 20 minutes of meditation, suddenly the colors are vivid, the consequences are de minimis, I'm like, whatever, who cares, but it, it is so hard to do it.
It's still hard for me. I don't, I go in periods of commitment. Uh, and yeah, and I go back. So then I read all the studies about what it does to your brain chemistry, to try to reinforce it, like. Well, if I do this, I'll change the shape of my brain over to, you know, 20 days for once I wanted to do like an MRI study so I could actually measure it.
It's like, no, I didn't do it, but this isn't how obsessive I would get about creating a feedback loop to remind me that it's really doing something. But some of the most peaceful I find when I come across somebody who seems very self-possessed and calm and they give you that great feeling and they know.
Where their ship is headed and why it's headed in that direction. Oftentimes they say, Oh, I practice TM, something, something like that. But even if you don't meditate being present, like you said, locked into the moment is a good start, but it's the one thing I wish I could stick to every single day.
Kristel:
One thing that I've been talking a lot about, and probably because, like I mentioned, juggling a lot of things, so is setting a goal of just two minutes a day.
And that's something that I think works well for people who are so busy. And so you don't have to start with setting aside 20 minutes in the morning. It could be like before you have a big meeting or, you know, whatever it is, if you're doing something that may be a little bit more intense, take two minutes and just focus on your breath and then that, you know, over time it can build.
But I think it's those small, like micro breaks for our nervous system can have a really positive impact in the long run. And that's one thing I want to kind of lead into is, the issue that I see a lot with professionals and entrepreneurs with burnout and in the healthcare profession as well. Um, I'm not practicing clinically anymore, but a lot of, you know, with COVID and everything else, burnout is a huge problem for a lot of people.
And I'm wondering with what you do, I mean, cause you invested in a lot of different. Companies. And what have you seen, or have you seen anything that's been successful as far as preventing burnout in business owners, entrepreneurs, you know, people that you've worked with or in your self?
Matt:
That's a great question.
I don't have any magic answer, but generally philosophically, I think it begins by adopting the idea that, uh, if you don't establish boundaries for yourself as a leader, then no one else will, right.
That it's natural for employees, especially somebody rising up or ambitious to want to mimic your behavior. So if you pride yourself, like I work all day and I, um, I haven't taken a vacation in four years.
Those little things are signals to people that that's what you approve and what you value. So you can't say. Do as I say, not as I do. So if you're living your life that way, and you're skipping chord moments in your children's lives, it's very hard for people to work for you to do that. So that's number one, accept that as a fact, no matter who you are.
Number two, Employees who don't have boundaries around their personal lives will burn out and become very unhappy and ineffective over time because that means they have no space to be human. It means when they come to the office, they have to shut off their personal life because the signals have been told that you can't be human here, you know you, so I just think it's very important to.
Begin there, understand that when you take those licenses, as you might define them, right? Like I'm taking, I'm taking something for myself, recognize that actually what you're doing is sending the bar for everybody around you. I, I, for example, uh, see my kids, uh, every single Wednesday for the last. I don't even know how many years, you know, I'm divorced.Right.
But custody schedule is really important to me and making sure I maintain an ongoing presence and I would do anything humanly possible to ensure that I would stick with that fly across the world from China and back to make sure I'm there on a Wednesday. Like, Hey, that was just down the block in China, you know, or.
But also important as important as to me and to them. I think it's important to people around me because as a leader, they would say, well, if he's doing that, that means it's okay for me to do that. And then when I would find people, you know, doing the same for themselves, it just makes everybody happier.
So that's the number one way is to, is to set boundaries. And if you don't think you need any, I am terrible with sleep. I try the best I can. I do work really hard. I work day and night. I enjoy it. But at the same time, my boundary is my family and my boundaries, my children at a highly intentional with dinners are like that because I don't want to deprive.
My family at that time, or me that's my boundary. And everybody knows it doesn't matter what the boundary is. The boundary just needs to be personally important to you and you need to set it publicly to give permission to other people to do the same. So that's why I think this notion of an objective standard of work-life balance is kind of nonsense though.
Objective standard. Your balance could be like mine. Like I love getting up and hitting it at 6:00 AM because I know that I can play offense since nobody's awake. You know, I mean, I love that time period of five or six, because it means I can focus my energy outbound as opposed to responding to everybody argue, well, you're not balanced because you're going from six, 10 to eight, whatever, for me, that's balanced because you know, when every Wednesday there time with my kids and every, you know, and I don't do dinners with anybody unless I really have to because it's time for my wife.
So that's my balance, not a long philosophical way of saying setting boundaries is really important for you as a leader. So others can do the same in their own lives.
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Do you, um, do anything for stress relief? Like do you work out, do you have any, like do some music?
Matt:
That's a good question. I work out pretty consistently. I'm the worst yo-yo diet, or even at my age, I'm ashamed, embarrassed to say that, but like my week was up, my body just really wants to be heavy. So I'm constantly fighting that battle, unfortunately, but I do work out and exercise and I love travel.
Probably the happiest I am is when I am free to roam planet earth, love airports, believe it or not looking up at that board and saying, where am I going next? You know, it started out. Unfortunately, my wife beats me all over. Like we have done the craziest trips you could possibly imagine to be.
Kristel:
What's the name of this trip? What's the craziest trip you guys have done?
Matt:
Well, she just loves to see the world too. And we're, you know, bonded over that. And it's like roaming around with your best friend, but. I had to be in Australia and China for two for soccer matches we were putting on. And like, I always think everything is like the outer boroughs and Manhattan at the center.
It's like, it's all just like Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Bronx fender. So we flew to Australia to go see this match in Melbourne, the cricket ground. I was there for 36 hours. And then we flew to Shanghai, which is like, it's just right up down the road. You know, 13 hours later went to Shanghai. We had a soccer match there and Shanghai and all.
So it was like a seven day trip, but what's nice is if I were to die tomorrow, I went to Sydney, Australia, and I went to Shanghai and I think sometimes we sorta like to sequence our experiences. I think I'd do a pretty good job of bringing everything concurrent. And not assuming that I've been promised tomorrow.
Cause I haven't been, I've only been promised the next minute with you or even the next second. So I'm pretty good at identifying what I really care about hanging on my best friend, traveling, seeing places being with my kids, the rest is kind of gravy. So I have been, we've been at like amazing places.
Like I had to be in Slovenia for work meetings and I forgot I hadn't told anybody that she was going to come meet me and we're in a restaurant. And one of my coworkers, like, is that Sarah? I was like, yeah, well, we had some miles. So she flew to Munich on miles and then flew overnight together, hang out and then fly back.
And she was so excited cause she did it for like $400. You know, I haven't married a DIY queen who can do everything, the crafty. So I don't know that's my balance. And that's, my joice really is travel.
Kristel:
Yeah, travel. I grew up traveling a lot. We would do road trips and I love it too. And the thing about travel too, kind of from this like mental health perspective is when you're in these new environments, you’re at least for me, I'm present.
Like I am there, I'm taking in everything. Everything's new. So it's such a wonderful experience for mindfulness too. And I. That just brings that whole new level of like exhilaration and joy. When you can share that with those that you love. I just, I don't think it’s better than that.
Matt:
I love, I love being confronted with the fact that there is no norm per se.
I mean, there's normative values that are important to you and how you treat people and treat it, treat yourself. But in terms of how to do a thing. That they're, you know, what you think is how it's done it’s not how it's done all over the world. And I love the, one of the downsides of being in the United States is self-contained universe, right?
Where even when you were in Europe and you put on the news, you got to BBC, you're learning about every neighboring country, right. And you're learning about Africa. Here, you're exposed to crime on the do as I'm talking about. Right. So I do think it's amazing when you step outside of our culture and you expose yourself all over the world, you're like, Oh, there's so many different ways to get it done.
And we should be respectful and understanding of culture and of otherness. And like there's not one uniform view. And I love that. I love, like, I love going to China, went to China four times over the course of the year and a little bit, I didn't speak the language. And it's just sort of, you almost like floating, like I can't read the signs where I am.
I'm supposed to be Nanjing, not sure where that is going to have to catch the equivalent of an Uber and figure it out. And, and, uh, that's so life-affirming to be almost humbled. That's how I feel when I. When I go to the mountains too, when I look at them and be like, these have been around a long time, like they're looking down at me right now.
Like I am a speck and the scheme of things, and sometimes it feels good to just make yourself not so important, make everything about your context, not so important and be humbled a little bit and relieved of the stress that it's all on your shoulders and everything is so important. And that's how I feel when I'm traveling.
Kristel:
Yeah. I love that. Actually this morning I did like a quick little meditation and I liked it. Sometimes I'll do like a guided visualization with it. So I'll picture myself someplace I've been, or, you know, someplace they want to go.
So this morning I was on, I was on a mountain, so I was like up there and just.
Automatically, I felt so peaceful, so I haven't done that in a while, but it was just, I think, just even taking yourself there, if you can't physically get to that location right now, you can go there in your mind, even if it's for a couple of minutes and that can really just, it can work wonder it's just for making, for boosting your mood.
Yeah. You know, I would love to talk a little bit about mindset and. You had mentioned earlier that being on shark tank was stressful. And I figured that, I mean, it's intense and even watching it sometimes with, Oh my gosh! It's it can get pretty aggressive in there sometimes. And I want it, I'm curious.
What feedback or tips or suggestions you have for people who are in environments where maybe it's with their boss or maybe they are pitching, maybe they're pitching on shark tank, whatever it is. And they're around people who are exuding power and intensity. And how to, um, how they can stay grounded and confident and kind of earlier, too, you were talking about that inner chatter, that voice, that isn't always so nice.
How can they quiet that inner voice and crank up that empowerment voice in those situations?
Matt:
That's a great question. And one, I hope if you take away nothing from this conversation, it's like no matter who you think and how successful they are about where they've arrived. They probably are dealing with imposter syndrome or, you know, they're just covering it up somehow because anybody who's doing hard things is probably because they're doing something new and new things by definition make you feel like to a degree, an imposter because you are, right.
You're pushing your way in whatever it means to, you know, what, whoever is the, uh, the accepted group of people that are doing whatever that is and this case sharks. Right? So by definition, it's uncomfortable. It's hard. You're going to feel. Like you don't belong. And the way I did it, it was a piece of advice that, um, that, uh, Damon had given me from those who watch the show were both from Queens.
And I have a great picture of us in the dressing room and he's just talking to me and, and he was like, don't let anybody tell you that you don't belong here. Like you belong here because you are here. And that was the conversation. Something I would sort of say to myself, like, no one's going to validate whether or not you should be in that room.
So it's really incumbent upon you, that's number one.
Number two, just realize, ask yourself how many times in life. Has somebody externally really puts you down and said that you shouldn't be in that room versus how many times have you told yourself that? I mean, unless you're living in a conflict filled environment, most of the time it's really that voice in your head.
And it's like, where does that come from? Like it's, it's, it's, it's incredibly so destructive. I talked about this in a commencement speech I'd given, uh, at college about how it's just so important to grab that voice by the Scruff and be like, stop it. You know what I mean? I need you on my side. And I always say to saying, if not, you then who.
If you're not going to love yourself, then who's going to love you. And it's a job that you cannot delegate or outsource. You cannot expect anybody else to love you unconditionally, or to fill that void. It's really incumbent upon you. So topic we don't talk enough about is one, the voice in our heads, and to give practical tips about how to train it, to be your, your ally.
And I always begin saying, it's like, it's the fundamental, most important obligation you have in the university. Love yourself first and foremost, and one that you can never delegate. And I think a lot of people go wrong throughout their lives. Looking for, if only I could receive this kind of, of love, I would be fulfilled or I would be validated.
And that's where so much yearning comes from in this life. So much sadness. And if you can make that little switch and be like, I don't know if not me then who, you know, why would I expect somebody else to know my worth? If I don't even know my own. And you just need to accept that this is your mission, your obligation, and it kind of begins from there.
I know that's very cerebral and psychological, not very practical, but it's put it is where it begins is understanding your universal God-given obligation. To love and respect yourself first and foremost, before you expect anybody else to do the same.
Kristel:
Yeah. I totally relate to that. And I like to say a lot, like don't believe all of your thoughts, a lot of your thoughts are lying to you.
They're not real. So I think once you have that awareness of it's that simple, like don't believe all your thoughts and then once you, once you recognize that. Then you can create space between your thoughts and who you are recognize that your thoughts are not who you are and then you can choose again.
And that's, that's really helped me on my path. So, you know, if somebody has a thought, like I used to, I mentioned this to you before we were recording that I was afraid of public speaking, but I thought I was really bad at it. It's because I got so nervous with it. I would get the butterflies and you know, I never did it.
So that's totally expected, right. You're doing something in front of a bunch of people that you don't do that often. But I thought that meant I was bad at it. And as soon as I created space around that thought and I shifted it a little bit to like, well, maybe not bad at it, maybe it just makes me uncomfortable.
I tested it and I did it and I was like, no, I actually really love it. Cause I've talked to him about things. I know I'm bringing value. So I think for people out there, you know, just don't believe those thoughts and you can choose a different perspective. You know, there's always a higher perspective that is more loving and empowering for you.
Matt:
Yeah. And I do think a lot of it stems from, um, a lot of the things that make us feel uncomfortable or an imposter or STEM from us, not wanting to seen. Right, because we feel like we're either concealing some type of shame or vulnerability. So I find that if you do a lot of self-work around, vulnerability and shame and realize there is no shame in this world, right?
We're here for a limited period of time and we're all human. If you sort of unburden yourself, and if you are forgiving with yourself, you accept that. You'll find that you actually start not to feel that way when you walk in the room, because you, you start to feel like you have a right to be seen as you are not as you're expected to be, or not as you believe you should be.
Once you start saying like, I have a right to be here as I am, everything kind of fades away. It's how I started. I spent so many years living in this dirty little apartment, taking care of a sick parent and being embarrassed for anybody to see it. I mean, it's a lot of years, 26 years, not having a few anybody from over, like you just get this compartmentalize universe.
And I think that's one of my big regrets is how as a kid, are you able to really understand that? But looking back in time, What that does to you in terms of feeling like you need to have shame or conceal, whatever you say, quote unquote is wrong with you. I think if you come to really work on that, I'm not saying this is the case for everybody, but I do believe a lot of the anxiety around imposter syndrome is what will happen if I'm seen for what I believe I think I am, or what is wrong with me?
I'm not a good public speaker. What if I started, what if I messed up or like, I I'm uncomfortable here or this? I think once you, uh, give yourself the right to be vulnerable, And to have idiosyncrasies or blemishes, the impostor syndrome does start to fade away. I unfortunately it does seem to take until you about your forties to figure all this out.
I'm sorry, all you folks in the twenties or thirties, but I can tell you something else, anybody out there who's in their twenties just know that there's nothing you break in your twenties that you can't fix in your thirties. So it's going to take you a little time to realize everything I'm talking to you about, but that's okay because you have plenty of time to fix it.
Kristel:
I did. Well, I didn't have my big shift. My shift didn't start until my thirties. Yeah. I mean, well, we can, we can have my kids a little earlier, but like my big, big shift, you know, it was a little bit, a little bit later on one thing I want to touch on. If you're comfortable talking about it, I know you've had a cancer diagnosis a while back, and I'm curious how that has impacted just your views on life, because I'm sure that that had to have a substantial impact on.
And what, you know, how you're living. And I would just, we'd love to hear a little bit more about that.
Matt:
Yup. I had a testicular cancer survivor. I don't like using the word survivors. I feel like attempts to fate, but I got over it. Let's just put that. And I got it when I was 32 years old, I had just had my first child who was only three months old at the time.
Yeah. My career was the meteoric and I had just been charged with the business operations of the New York jets. I was riding high. And, uh, overachiever, whatnot. And then I had a pain that I wanted to ignore. And, uh, my ex wife actually was like, this is you have to go do something about it. And what's crazy is like, your, your life is moving along this trajectory you're entirely vested.
I finally felt like I was winning and I'd been on this urgent race to start to get somewhere member by 32. My mother had only passed away when I was 26. I was press secretary, the mayor of New York and doing all this crazy stuff. And I finally felt like stable, huge job.
And then I get this pain and within 36 hours of getting it looked at, I was under the knife. And you're like, wow. And a lot of your identity, you know, this is not like a minor surgery, right? You're sort of processing that very quickly. You want to move, remove the tumor very quickly. And I remember it between that moment, the surgery for several days later, they thought it was much more advanced.
And you know, there's a lot of different trajectories. Testicular cancer can be very treatable, you know, early, but if it metastasizes and spreads, it's a, it's a whole different story. So what I most remember from that time is from surgery to when I found out it was stage one and I needed a radiation in between that.
Everything I think about on a daily basis. Oh, I can't wait to try to buy a brownstone in Brooklyn one day or all these material. Things are all status. Didn't hold up against the juxtaposition against immediate death, right. That I might be dying. And I'm not sure if I said that, you know, perfectly well, but my point being a lot of the things we think about every day, don't matter.
When you think about that, you may die at any day, and yet we act like we may not die every year guys. Right. So. My takeaway was I didn't die. Then fortunately I recovered. I had to stick a radiation, went through a lot of stuff, but the fact is our mortality is ever present. And actually, um, a lot of during that period, when I was going to Sloan Kettering and was dealing with cancer, I felt very much in touch with the meaning of life and the universe and, and very peaceful and grateful for it's very simple things.
My beautiful little baby, everything like. The things that mattered, mattered, and the things that didn't receive it. And so I'm actually spending a lot of time, always meditating on that moment to try to capture it without being so grim. Like how do you, how do you be ever present of your own mortality?
And rather than have it be a sword of Damocles hanging over your head, actually be something to grab onto. That unleashes your full potential. So I have an app on my phone call. We croak, it reminds me several times a day that you may die one day and it has incredibly inspiring words. And the logic is forgot where it comes from Bhutan, where they do talk about death openly.
It actually makes you sick Kanzi you said, Oh right. Our time here is limited. Let me make the most of it. And that's not something to be afraid of. So I guess the answer is the biggest way it changed me. It changed my relationship with death and made me much more peaceful and realize this is not something to be afraid of, but something to understand and process as part of the, you know, the, the, the journey.
Kristel:
Thanks for sharing
Matt:
All of the kids think it's completely crazy. Like phone goes off like this is,
Kristel :
You know, you're taking it as like, you want it to help you live your life to the fullest. So it's, you know, things like that. Do they wake you up? And yet the guy with my mom's cancer diagnosis, it woke me up.
And, and that's when I was like, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, because like you said, obviously I wasn't the one experiencing it, but I was going to her appointments and it was just, it was a shock and it had that impact on me of my life, I don't want to look back on my life and say, I didn't do something because I was afraid to fail or because I was afraid someone was going to judge me or whatever.
Cause like who cares, who cares? So I, I totally, totally got it.
Matt:
Um, well we crave and most of us crave a lot, like the, to be relieved of this sort of weightiness now, and to sort of aside to be peaceful about whatnot. That's where I was sort of fascinated. Now. Fortunately, granted, if I. If it had been more serious terminal clueless, I would had a different perspective, but I do think being sideswiped, I was like, I was sideswiped, you know, that, that I, I want to hold onto the lessons of it, which is very hard to do in the hearts, charging pace of the universe, where I had to go back in time and be like, remember how you felt.
But I do think it changed the trajectory, like a little booster rocket that got the ship going in a slightly different direction. I do think it gave me a glimpse into something that I wouldn't have seen if I hadn't had cancer. And, um, I have to say, I'm kind of grateful for the experience. I'd be lying if I said it was necessarily a bad thing that happened to me, it's not true.
I mean, it sounds obviously great. And I'm a cancer survivor. The reality is I am net net grateful for what I went through, even though I still deal with the lingering effects of it today.
Kristel:
Do you know, I woke up, like you said, it woke something up in you to help you live your life in a different way, and hopefully have a really fulfilling life and you're doing amazing things.
Matt:
Well, thank you. So are you, by the way, going out and sharing yourself to the world and trying to get people motivated to take care of themselves. I'm going to be focused on healthy eating and eating. Plant-based more, I'm trying.
Kristel:
We'll talk. We can talk off air too. That's one of my favorite things to talk about.
I just gave a lecture to a local university about the gut brain connection and the anti-inflammatory diet. And I love nutrition, but you have been phenomenal. I don't want to keep you too long. So how can people find out more about you? What are you up to? Is there any place people can go to learn.
Matt:
I spent a lot of time on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is my preferred platform. It's a, it's the realm of positivity and thoughtfulness. And so I just enjoy it. Any anybody out there who hasn't really embraced LinkedIn as a content platform should really think about it. If you have a business or an idea that you're trying to get attraction.
I think LinkedIn is the closest to a meritocracy there is out there thanks to the algorithms. So you don't need a huge following. Don't be ashamed or worried about putting anything out. Because the posts could end up having a hundred thousand views. So just make a gift of yourself and communicate. So I'm almost spending exclusively my time on the, on LinkedIn, Matt Higgins, uh, say hello, tell me that you heard about us here.
Matt. That's actually, when I was, um, I'm on LinkedIn a lot and I was seeing your stuff, I was like, I like his sense of optimism and that's what I was like, I want to have him on my show because I really was enjoying your content because you do, you put out stuff, it's uplifting.
Matt:
I feel like we're heavy today were we heavy?This is optimistic.
Kristel:
It's not heavy, I mean, I think today we're just being real, you know, having a real conversation. Yeah. Yeah. This has been great. Well, thank you so much. I really, really enjoyed it.
Matt:
Thank you for having me take care, everybody.
Kristel:
Yep. Bye.
Thanks Matt. That was great.
Matt:
Good. Thank you.
Kristel: (Outro)
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